Every Day is The Start Of A New Journey - What Will I Choose Today?

What will I choose today? I ask myself that almost every single day...sometimes frequently throughout the day, since every moment of every day is an opportunity to begin again; to make choices that will lead to what we want and need. And what has my answer been the last couple of weeks: crap. I am choosing crap. I am choosing crap to put into my body and I am choosing crappy ways to spend my time. Knowing is half the battle, right? It's hairy, though, guys! You know what I mean; life is freaking hairy! There are so many factors that go into every decision and choice we make every single moment of every single day. There is so much emotional baggage and history, so many different chemicals and hormones acting and reacting within our bodies, so many external factors and stressors - DANG HAIRY! And so, I've been making choices that are keeping me where I'm at.

Though I have had many circumstances in my life negatively affect me and my health, the direction of my life is still largely up to me. Every little daily choice I make either leads me closer to the life and health that I want, or it leads me further away; every choice. Yes, it's really that simple. And yes, it's really that freaking hard! And so what will I choose tomorrow? What will you choose tomorrow? Our future is in our own hands. I want to choose health and moving forward. There are times in our lives where baby steps are appropriate; where "one step forward, two steps back" is the best progress we can sustain. Then there are times in our lives where we are so sick and tired of being sick and tired that we are ready to propel ourselves forward in powerful ways to make powerful changes that will lead to a powerful new you. I've had all of those times in my life. There is much groundwork and education that is laid in preparation for the big, powerful, all-in type of move forward. I have been laying that education and groundwork in my life for awhile now...and now is the time for me to make choices to propel myself forward! Let's dig in and run full-speed ahead!! Whatever that looks like for you or for me: Let's do this, baby!

I am good enough!

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...every time I start thinking to myself "Heidi, you're getting fat" or "Heidi, you aren't strong enough" or whatever negative thing I used to constantly tell myself...I literally have to pinch myself with the reminder that "YES! You are actually doing this! You are actually maintaining a healthy lifestyle and you actually are fit!"

It's so easy to tell yourself over and over that we are not good enough. Society, through all manner of commercials, shows, news reports and social media, feeds us a near constant stream of propaganda all designed to help us feel like we are less than we should be. Even though I have always had a strong opinion about such evils, I too have fallen prey to such lies and have to constantly remind myself to not buy in to it....to choose to believe that, in spite of the fact that I am not 5'10 and 115 pounds, I am good enough. Even though I don't drive the fanciest car or have the most fashionable clothes, I am good enough. I don't even have long, flowing blond hair and yet, somehow, I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

Say that to yourself several times: "I am good enough. I AM good enough. I am GOOD enough. I AM GOOD ENOUGH!" Now believe it.

Don't believe the lies about who you should or shouldn't be or what you should or shouldn't look like. Choose to be different. Choose to believe in yourself. Do something good for yourself every day like eating foods that fuel and energize your amazing body or using your strong body to get out into the sunshine on a cold day...because, darn it....YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

Let's be honest, most of the time a mild pinch is not enough....I need to kick myself in the rear when I let myself think I am not good enough...I'm not fit enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not really healthy enough. A good kick in the rear helps me to remember what kind of person I want to be...the kind of person who does not believe and perpetuate lies...the kind of person who just knows that I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

I might as well be a heroine addict.

I have changed my life and the way I eat...but my addiction to food will probably never go away. This depresses me. My desire and compulsion to put something in my mouth, chew, swallow and repeat is just as strong now as it was 70 pounds ago....if not stronger. I actually feel like I might be MORE obsessed with food now than I was before, if that's possible. And it sucks, just so ya know. It sucks big time.

I remember countless nights while I was losing weight when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wanted to eat and knew I couldn't and still reach my goal. I even cried sometimes the desire was so strong. Tonight, knowing I need to shed 2-3 pounds to be back at my goal weight, I just feel like giving up.

2-3 pounds is really nothing compared to what I lost, but it still needs to be dealt with just the same. Many people creep up a few pounds here and then a few pounds there until they have 10-20 pounds that seems to have come out of nowhere. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me. So, even though 2-3 pounds is not a big deal, it still needs to go.

Some weeks I feel so strong and in control and don't struggle with eating. I make pretty darn awesome food choices and feel good. Other weeks, well...they suck. Usually during the bad weeks, I gain a few pounds. Then during the good weeks, I lose it. But, honestly...there is about a pound, pound and a half that I nave never lost....I shouldn't let 1 1/2 pounds bring me so down...but I am.

Normally 2-3 pounds (or a pound and a half) would not be depressing ....but it just proves to me something I have always worried about....maintaining my weight will probably always be a hard, heavy battle I will be fighting my whole life. At least if I were addicted to heroine, I could avoid heroine. I can't avoid food.

Still feel'n great!

Wow, I have been totally neglectful of my dear ol' blog! I am still here, still working out, still feel'n great! :) My body is no longer my enemy! :) I love working hard and doing hard things. I love making progress and setting new fitness goals. :) I love NOT looking like my before pictures!!

It has been a journey (and always will be) to mentally wrap my head around being and keeping fit; some days I freak out a bit and feel like "oh my heck...I really need to lose another 5-10 pounds!" and then other days I am able to realize I am just fine the size/shape I am...I'm not looking for "model" perfection (which, in most cases, is a fake ideal that would be unhealthy to achieve) I am happy being and looking "normal!"

On a side note, I am so happy to eat more normally again. :) I don't really want to mention how many cookies (mostly whole-grain homemade, of course) or evil Doritos I've eaten, but let's just say it's a kinda large-ish number. :) And since I have really changed my lifestyle to include mostly healthy eating in mostly healthy portions, I have remained the same weight in spite of my many "indulgences"...which makes me happy! :)

If any of you out there are on this journey and need any extra help or support, please let me know how I can help! Being fit feels so good....I want to help anyone and everyone who wants this to achieve their goal! :D