I might as well be a heroine addict.

I have changed my life and the way I eat...but my addiction to food will probably never go away. This depresses me. My desire and compulsion to put something in my mouth, chew, swallow and repeat is just as strong now as it was 70 pounds ago....if not stronger. I actually feel like I might be MORE obsessed with food now than I was before, if that's possible. And it sucks, just so ya know. It sucks big time.

I remember countless nights while I was losing weight when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wanted to eat and knew I couldn't and still reach my goal. I even cried sometimes the desire was so strong. Tonight, knowing I need to shed 2-3 pounds to be back at my goal weight, I just feel like giving up.

2-3 pounds is really nothing compared to what I lost, but it still needs to be dealt with just the same. Many people creep up a few pounds here and then a few pounds there until they have 10-20 pounds that seems to have come out of nowhere. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me. So, even though 2-3 pounds is not a big deal, it still needs to go.

Some weeks I feel so strong and in control and don't struggle with eating. I make pretty darn awesome food choices and feel good. Other weeks, well...they suck. Usually during the bad weeks, I gain a few pounds. Then during the good weeks, I lose it. But, honestly...there is about a pound, pound and a half that I nave never lost....I shouldn't let 1 1/2 pounds bring me so down...but I am.

Normally 2-3 pounds (or a pound and a half) would not be depressing ....but it just proves to me something I have always worried about....maintaining my weight will probably always be a hard, heavy battle I will be fighting my whole life. At least if I were addicted to heroine, I could avoid heroine. I can't avoid food.

Still feel'n great!

Wow, I have been totally neglectful of my dear ol' blog! I am still here, still working out, still feel'n great! :) My body is no longer my enemy! :) I love working hard and doing hard things. I love making progress and setting new fitness goals. :) I love NOT looking like my before pictures!!

It has been a journey (and always will be) to mentally wrap my head around being and keeping fit; some days I freak out a bit and feel like "oh my heck...I really need to lose another 5-10 pounds!" and then other days I am able to realize I am just fine the size/shape I am...I'm not looking for "model" perfection (which, in most cases, is a fake ideal that would be unhealthy to achieve) I am happy being and looking "normal!"

On a side note, I am so happy to eat more normally again. :) I don't really want to mention how many cookies (mostly whole-grain homemade, of course) or evil Doritos I've eaten, but let's just say it's a kinda large-ish number. :) And since I have really changed my lifestyle to include mostly healthy eating in mostly healthy portions, I have remained the same weight in spite of my many "indulgences"...which makes me happy! :)

If any of you out there are on this journey and need any extra help or support, please let me know how I can help! Being fit feels so good....I want to help anyone and everyone who wants this to achieve their goal! :D

What a break taught me.

After working out faithfully 6 days a week for the past 8 months, taking a 3 week break was not something I planned. I got a very infected tooth and my baby got RSV and had to be admitted to the hospital. Once that long, sleep deprived week was over, my tooth was extracted and my baby was feeling better we drove to my sister's house. Helping her clean, pack and renovate her house was good exercise, but other than a few sporatic sets with free weights, I still didn't get the opportunity to "offcially" work out. In light of my previous post, I was feeling totally nervous that I was gaining weight. Man, this is such a mental process!!!!!!! I was so "mental" about it that for most of that Sunday I just assumed, since my clothes felt tight, that I had gained at least 10 pounds....then I realized that my skirt was actually lose, it was just my tights that were, well, tight. PHEW! Huge sigh of relief! It's amazing to me how I could just assume that I would wake up one morning and be the old, fat Heidi just for missing some workouts!! So I came home and started back to my regular workout routine of going to the gym for about 2 hours a day (any less than that and my kids complain that I am picking them up from the gym child care too early!) I was SUPER sore after my first workout, but am feeling AWESOME now, after almost a full week back. And, I don't have to worry about trying to lose that extra 5 pounds I thought I had gained....I actually weighed 131.5 a few days ago, so I guess I'm okay after all and haven't gone as over-board as I thought I had. Taking a 3 week break has taught me that I am okay. That I am and can be "normal"...in my eating and in my weight without having to be a maniac about working out. I will still workout out a ton because I love it and it makes me feel awesome (and my kids beg to go...) but now I know that all will not be lost if I miss a day (like today since my toddler is sick.) I can breathe. I can relax. I can not freak out. In not freaking out, I can give myself permission to not freak out about food...which in turn helps me to focus on eating healthfully and not just on eating. Breaks are good. :) Were it not for the this forced break, I think I would still be in a very unhealthy over-eating then over-working out cycle that was so not fun or cool. Now I feel more even. Now I feel even more in control and POWERFUL! :) Sometimes we need to step back and let life happen to figure out were we fit into it all and refocus to put more time and effort into things that are the most important. For me, I needed to chill and realize that now I can take some emphasis off of food and exercise and put it back into my family...and still reach for my health goals like a "normal" person. :)

It's okay...life is a learning opportunity

I'm going to be totally and completely honest: I have struggled this past month and, as a result of those struggles, I now need to lose about 5 pounds. Going from losing to maintaining has been much harder than I anticipated. Let's face it, I did not get into a position where I needed to lose 70 pounds because I hate food or have a healthy relationship with eating! I have food issues!! So going from a very pro-active standpoint of "Lose! Lose! Lose!" to suddenly giving myself permission to "Eat! Eat! Eat!" was rough, to say the least.

I actually have felt more obsessed with food since I hit my goal weight than I have ever been in my entire life. I have found myself thinking about food and longing for food pretty much 24/7. This is not a good thing to do. At all. I have fought and fought with myself about how to overcome this problem. And while I was trying to figure it out, I ate and ate and ate.

Let's just say I am no longer going to allow myself to EVER buy another bag of Doritos. Yeah...it's that bad.

I love to exercise and my kids LOVE going to the childcare at the gym, so exercise is not a problem for me. Stopping myself from putting food into my mouth is. When I'm stressed out, I just go a bit crazy and grab whatever is around and stuff my face with it. It's not pretty, I know. It's dang pathetic is what it is. And as I am stuffing my face, I know how pathetic and lame and stupid I'm being....yet I still reach for more food. Bleh!!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to scream at myself for making such stupid choices!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah....it's hard when the baby is sick and your totally sleep deprived and you only ever have one hand with which to prepare and eat food because your aforementioned baby needs to be held all the time....but there will always be excuses. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to overcome to make healthy eating choices.

And it's not like eating even helps my stress level....I am fully aware that it makes me even MORE grumpy because I know what I am doing is wrong. Then I spend the day being mad at myself and depressed about the fact that I've gained weight...so then I eat more. It's a stupid, dumb and vicious cycle that I am going to break...NOW.

I know that I feel happier when I am making good choices. I can feel good about myself and happy about my day when I know that I have done the things I know I should...when I do good things I feel good! So then why have I totally sabotaged myself and basically chosen to have crappy day after crappy day???? This I have not figured out yet..and I guess I really don't have to know why; I just have to change it.

So I am now back on the journey toward my ideal weight and, this time, focusing on using food as healthy fuel for my mind and body...not as an escape from life. 132, here I come...again!