I'm going to be totally and completely honest: I have struggled this past month and, as a result of those struggles, I now need to lose about 5 pounds. Going from losing to maintaining has been much harder than I anticipated. Let's face it, I did not get into a position where I needed to lose 70 pounds because I hate food or have a healthy relationship with eating! I have food issues!! So going from a very pro-active standpoint of "Lose! Lose! Lose!" to suddenly giving myself permission to "Eat! Eat! Eat!" was rough, to say the least.
I actually have felt more obsessed with food since I hit my goal weight than I have ever been in my entire life. I have found myself thinking about food and longing for food pretty much 24/7. This is not a good thing to do. At all. I have fought and fought with myself about how to overcome this problem. And while I was trying to figure it out, I ate and ate and ate.
Let's just say I am no longer going to allow myself to EVER buy another bag of Doritos. Yeah...it's that bad.
I love to exercise and my kids LOVE going to the childcare at the gym, so exercise is not a problem for me. Stopping myself from putting food into my mouth is. When I'm stressed out, I just go a bit crazy and grab whatever is around and stuff my face with it. It's not pretty, I know. It's dang pathetic is what it is. And as I am stuffing my face, I know how pathetic and lame and stupid I'm being....yet I still reach for more food. Bleh!!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to scream at myself for making such stupid choices!!
Yeah, yeah, yeah....it's hard when the baby is sick and your totally sleep deprived and you only ever have one hand with which to prepare and eat food because your aforementioned baby needs to be held all the time....but there will always be excuses. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to overcome to make healthy eating choices.
And it's not like eating even helps my stress level....I am fully aware that it makes me even MORE grumpy because I know what I am doing is wrong. Then I spend the day being mad at myself and depressed about the fact that I've gained weight...so then I eat more. It's a stupid, dumb and vicious cycle that I am going to break...NOW.
I know that I feel happier when I am making good choices. I can feel good about myself and happy about my day when I know that I have done the things I know I should...when I do good things I feel good! So then why have I totally sabotaged myself and basically chosen to have crappy day after crappy day???? This I have not figured out yet..and I guess I really don't have to know why; I just have to change it.
So I am now back on the journey toward my ideal weight and, this time, focusing on using food as healthy fuel for my mind and body...not as an escape from life. 132, here I come...again!
Heidi! I just think it's awesome that you're so honest because I think you have described something that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US can relate to! I find that I have to give myself credit and try really hard to not beat myself up to much over dumb things I do (and believe me I do them and I beat myself up for them) BUT, I have to remember that I have a body (that while it has many flaws--I'm typing this right now with a clay mask on my face because I have so many zits at the moment! I'm talking double digits! and that's not counting all the blackheads! ;-) But, while I have many flaws, I also have a body that has allowed me to have children and to run and play with them, and run races up big hills and so on and so on! I just remind myself to be grateful for all that it can do...and that helps me to give myself a break!
ReplyDeleteI simply admire and adore you so much! And, I think you've done such an incredible thing! I have told many people about 'my friend Heidi'! ;-) I will sing your praises continuously! You are such an example to us! Keep up the great work and give yourself the credit that you so much deserve!
lots of love! --Mel
p.s. I hope that sweet baby of yours (and you) are feeling better!
Heidi, you are such an insiration to me and Shaina. We are so proud of you. Shaina is following in your footsteps and is going through good times and hard times as well with her recent weight loss journey. I am inspired as well. I have the working out part down but the eating is still difficult for me, but just reading your blog I feel better already about giving it my best effort.
ReplyDeleteStress is not a friend. It makes us do stuff we wouldn't normally do. Keep your chin up. We are all amazed at what you accomplish every single day.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much guys!!! :) :) :) :) :)
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