I am good enough!

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...every time I start thinking to myself "Heidi, you're getting fat" or "Heidi, you aren't strong enough" or whatever negative thing I used to constantly tell myself...I literally have to pinch myself with the reminder that "YES! You are actually doing this! You are actually maintaining a healthy lifestyle and you actually are fit!"

It's so easy to tell yourself over and over that we are not good enough. Society, through all manner of commercials, shows, news reports and social media, feeds us a near constant stream of propaganda all designed to help us feel like we are less than we should be. Even though I have always had a strong opinion about such evils, I too have fallen prey to such lies and have to constantly remind myself to not buy in to it....to choose to believe that, in spite of the fact that I am not 5'10 and 115 pounds, I am good enough. Even though I don't drive the fanciest car or have the most fashionable clothes, I am good enough. I don't even have long, flowing blond hair and yet, somehow, I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

Say that to yourself several times: "I am good enough. I AM good enough. I am GOOD enough. I AM GOOD ENOUGH!" Now believe it.

Don't believe the lies about who you should or shouldn't be or what you should or shouldn't look like. Choose to be different. Choose to believe in yourself. Do something good for yourself every day like eating foods that fuel and energize your amazing body or using your strong body to get out into the sunshine on a cold day...because, darn it....YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

Let's be honest, most of the time a mild pinch is not enough....I need to kick myself in the rear when I let myself think I am not good enough...I'm not fit enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not really healthy enough. A good kick in the rear helps me to remember what kind of person I want to be...the kind of person who does not believe and perpetuate lies...the kind of person who just knows that I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

I might as well be a heroine addict.

I have changed my life and the way I eat...but my addiction to food will probably never go away. This depresses me. My desire and compulsion to put something in my mouth, chew, swallow and repeat is just as strong now as it was 70 pounds ago....if not stronger. I actually feel like I might be MORE obsessed with food now than I was before, if that's possible. And it sucks, just so ya know. It sucks big time.

I remember countless nights while I was losing weight when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wanted to eat and knew I couldn't and still reach my goal. I even cried sometimes the desire was so strong. Tonight, knowing I need to shed 2-3 pounds to be back at my goal weight, I just feel like giving up.

2-3 pounds is really nothing compared to what I lost, but it still needs to be dealt with just the same. Many people creep up a few pounds here and then a few pounds there until they have 10-20 pounds that seems to have come out of nowhere. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me. So, even though 2-3 pounds is not a big deal, it still needs to go.

Some weeks I feel so strong and in control and don't struggle with eating. I make pretty darn awesome food choices and feel good. Other weeks, well...they suck. Usually during the bad weeks, I gain a few pounds. Then during the good weeks, I lose it. But, honestly...there is about a pound, pound and a half that I nave never lost....I shouldn't let 1 1/2 pounds bring me so down...but I am.

Normally 2-3 pounds (or a pound and a half) would not be depressing ....but it just proves to me something I have always worried about....maintaining my weight will probably always be a hard, heavy battle I will be fighting my whole life. At least if I were addicted to heroine, I could avoid heroine. I can't avoid food.

Still feel'n great!

Wow, I have been totally neglectful of my dear ol' blog! I am still here, still working out, still feel'n great! :) My body is no longer my enemy! :) I love working hard and doing hard things. I love making progress and setting new fitness goals. :) I love NOT looking like my before pictures!!

It has been a journey (and always will be) to mentally wrap my head around being and keeping fit; some days I freak out a bit and feel like "oh my heck...I really need to lose another 5-10 pounds!" and then other days I am able to realize I am just fine the size/shape I am...I'm not looking for "model" perfection (which, in most cases, is a fake ideal that would be unhealthy to achieve) I am happy being and looking "normal!"

On a side note, I am so happy to eat more normally again. :) I don't really want to mention how many cookies (mostly whole-grain homemade, of course) or evil Doritos I've eaten, but let's just say it's a kinda large-ish number. :) And since I have really changed my lifestyle to include mostly healthy eating in mostly healthy portions, I have remained the same weight in spite of my many "indulgences"...which makes me happy! :)

If any of you out there are on this journey and need any extra help or support, please let me know how I can help! Being fit feels so good....I want to help anyone and everyone who wants this to achieve their goal! :D

What a break taught me.

After working out faithfully 6 days a week for the past 8 months, taking a 3 week break was not something I planned. I got a very infected tooth and my baby got RSV and had to be admitted to the hospital. Once that long, sleep deprived week was over, my tooth was extracted and my baby was feeling better we drove to my sister's house. Helping her clean, pack and renovate her house was good exercise, but other than a few sporatic sets with free weights, I still didn't get the opportunity to "offcially" work out. In light of my previous post, I was feeling totally nervous that I was gaining weight. Man, this is such a mental process!!!!!!! I was so "mental" about it that for most of that Sunday I just assumed, since my clothes felt tight, that I had gained at least 10 pounds....then I realized that my skirt was actually lose, it was just my tights that were, well, tight. PHEW! Huge sigh of relief! It's amazing to me how I could just assume that I would wake up one morning and be the old, fat Heidi just for missing some workouts!! So I came home and started back to my regular workout routine of going to the gym for about 2 hours a day (any less than that and my kids complain that I am picking them up from the gym child care too early!) I was SUPER sore after my first workout, but am feeling AWESOME now, after almost a full week back. And, I don't have to worry about trying to lose that extra 5 pounds I thought I had gained....I actually weighed 131.5 a few days ago, so I guess I'm okay after all and haven't gone as over-board as I thought I had. Taking a 3 week break has taught me that I am okay. That I am and can be "normal"...in my eating and in my weight without having to be a maniac about working out. I will still workout out a ton because I love it and it makes me feel awesome (and my kids beg to go...) but now I know that all will not be lost if I miss a day (like today since my toddler is sick.) I can breathe. I can relax. I can not freak out. In not freaking out, I can give myself permission to not freak out about food...which in turn helps me to focus on eating healthfully and not just on eating. Breaks are good. :) Were it not for the this forced break, I think I would still be in a very unhealthy over-eating then over-working out cycle that was so not fun or cool. Now I feel more even. Now I feel even more in control and POWERFUL! :) Sometimes we need to step back and let life happen to figure out were we fit into it all and refocus to put more time and effort into things that are the most important. For me, I needed to chill and realize that now I can take some emphasis off of food and exercise and put it back into my family...and still reach for my health goals like a "normal" person. :)

It's okay...life is a learning opportunity

I'm going to be totally and completely honest: I have struggled this past month and, as a result of those struggles, I now need to lose about 5 pounds. Going from losing to maintaining has been much harder than I anticipated. Let's face it, I did not get into a position where I needed to lose 70 pounds because I hate food or have a healthy relationship with eating! I have food issues!! So going from a very pro-active standpoint of "Lose! Lose! Lose!" to suddenly giving myself permission to "Eat! Eat! Eat!" was rough, to say the least.

I actually have felt more obsessed with food since I hit my goal weight than I have ever been in my entire life. I have found myself thinking about food and longing for food pretty much 24/7. This is not a good thing to do. At all. I have fought and fought with myself about how to overcome this problem. And while I was trying to figure it out, I ate and ate and ate.

Let's just say I am no longer going to allow myself to EVER buy another bag of Doritos. Yeah...it's that bad.

I love to exercise and my kids LOVE going to the childcare at the gym, so exercise is not a problem for me. Stopping myself from putting food into my mouth is. When I'm stressed out, I just go a bit crazy and grab whatever is around and stuff my face with it. It's not pretty, I know. It's dang pathetic is what it is. And as I am stuffing my face, I know how pathetic and lame and stupid I'm being....yet I still reach for more food. Bleh!!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to scream at myself for making such stupid choices!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah....it's hard when the baby is sick and your totally sleep deprived and you only ever have one hand with which to prepare and eat food because your aforementioned baby needs to be held all the time....but there will always be excuses. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to overcome to make healthy eating choices.

And it's not like eating even helps my stress level....I am fully aware that it makes me even MORE grumpy because I know what I am doing is wrong. Then I spend the day being mad at myself and depressed about the fact that I've gained weight...so then I eat more. It's a stupid, dumb and vicious cycle that I am going to break...NOW.

I know that I feel happier when I am making good choices. I can feel good about myself and happy about my day when I know that I have done the things I know I should...when I do good things I feel good! So then why have I totally sabotaged myself and basically chosen to have crappy day after crappy day???? This I have not figured out yet..and I guess I really don't have to know why; I just have to change it.

So I am now back on the journey toward my ideal weight and, this time, focusing on using food as healthy fuel for my mind and body...not as an escape from life. 132, here I come...again!

Nitty Gritty: Food

In the sidebar, you can see links that outline the general plan I have used to lose 70 pounds. Some of you may be wondering, though, EXACTLY what has worked for me. I'd love to share that so that you too can find what works for you!

Before I made changes to lose weight, I had convinced myself that I ate pretty healthfully. I didn't know how wrong I was until I really had to buckle down and eat less junk...and more veggies! :)

To lose weight, I ate around 300 calories for breakfast, 300 for lunch, 200 for an afternoon snack and around 500 for dinner. A few days a week I would have an additional 200-300 calories in the evening. I never ate anything past 7pm, except on rare occasions. To maintain, I am adding an extra few hundred calories a day, spread out between all the meals or as an extra snack in the evening.

I feel that it is important to make your calories count! Even when snacking or eating "treats," I try to make sure that my calories are nutritional calories and will be contributing to my over-all good health.

Below is a sampling of foods I might eat:

Breakfast: 1/2 c. plain oatmeal with 1/2 c. frozen mixed berries and 1/4 c. nut seed mixture
OR a scramble with 1 whole egg and 1 egg white, a few tablespoons of ham, 1/4 of a chopped bell pepper, 1/4 of a chopped onion, a handful of chopped spinach leaves, a tablespoon of reduced fat shredded cheese and 1 piece of reduced calorie whole grain toast with butter and reduced sugar jam OR 1 c whole grain cold cereal with 1/2 c skim milk and a banana OR 2 pieces of reduced calorie whole wheat toast with a few tablespoons of peanut butter and an apple

Lunch: 1 c of "healthy" canned soup with 1 piece of reduced calorie whole wheat toast and 1 piece of fruit OR a sandwich on reduced calorie whole wheat bread (with a Laughing Cow cheese wedge spread on the bread instead of mayo) with some lean meat and lots of veggies and some fresh fruit on the side OR a big salad with fresh greens (usually just spinach) and lots of veggies and 1/4 c of nuts, seeds and dried fruit on top with a very small drizzle of a reduced calorie (watch out for added sugars!) dressing with a piece of whole grain toast and some fresh fruit on the side OR a modest portion of left-overs from the night before with some extra veggies and/or fruit on the side

Snack: 1/4 c plain greek yogurt with 1/4 c nuts/seeds and 1/4 c frozen mixed berries....sometimes I do 1/4 c whole grain cereal instead of the nuts/seeds (this is my all time FAVORITE snack and I have it almost every single day) OR veggie sticks with a Laughing Cow cheese wedge OR 1 piece of reduced calorie whole wheat toast with a smear of peanut butter and some fresh fruit or veggies on the side

Dinner: a normal sized portion of dinner (made from scratch with whole, fresh, healthy ingredients) with lots of veggies/salad

Dessert: mostly fruit (cut up apple, sliced berries, a cutie, etc) OR air-popped popcorn with a small amount of melted butter and salt OR 1/2 c reduced fat vanilla ice cream

Some permanent substitutions I have made that have been very helpful are: I only use reduced calorie whole wheat bread (45 calories a slice,) I only buy fat-free sour cream (only 15 calories for 2 tbls for the Wal-mart brand,) I buy the Laughing Cow cheese wedges for sandwiches and dipping veggies in (only 35 calories a wedge,) I only buy reduced calorie cheese, I buy either sugar-free (as in only sweetened with fruit juice) jam or reduced sugar jam, I buy a stevia/sugar sweetener that comes in little packets (5 calories a packet) to sweeten my oatmeal or hot lemon water with, I only use plain yogurt for myself (they add soooooo much sugar to most yogurts!!!)

I am a grazer and this has been one of my downfalls since the things I like to graze on are usually carbs like dry cereal. If I get a huge big strong urge to graze, I do my best to have it only be fruits or veggies. Keeping a cut up apple or a bowl of washed grapes out on the counter helps keep me from reaching into the cereal cabinet!

I drink about 2 liters of water a day.

For me, keeping the kitchen clean is super important for me to be motivated to prepare healthy foods for myself, so I have really worked on doing little bits of cleaning up in the kitchen all day long to keep it clean.

Another tip that REALLY helped me with my food goals was brushing my teeth between meals and immediatly after dinner to keep from snacking!!

Mentally planning out what I am going to eat has helped me to stay on track with my eating goals. Knowing what I am going to eat ahead of time keeps me from feeling desperate and just eating whatever I want.

If you are just starting out, you may want to keep a food journal for the next few days to a week to be able to come to terms with how you are really used to eating. Then, incorporate the changes you need to make in small increments so they become a part of your new, healthy lifestyle! Choose one or two healthy eating goals a week (like switching all your grains to whole grains and only snacking on fresh fruits and veggies, etc) to implement, then when those are incorporated into your life choose a few more.

The most important part of any diet and exercise plan is to make changes you are willing to live with for the rest of your life. The goal is life long health and fitness, not just a short-term diet to lose some weight that will easily be put back on once you return to your non-diet lifestyle!! This past week, I allowed myself to eat sort of like I used to eat before I got healthy and it did not feel good and I gained a pound or two. Returning to the healthy eating that I know works for me and makes me feel good is what I know I will do, for the most part, for the rest of my life because I want to stay healthy and continue to reach new health goals!!

Some more "befores" and "afters"

The above picture was literally taken the weekend I got a serious wake-up call. I lost about 5 pounds that week, just from sheer exercise (hiking, camping, etc.) I was disgusted with my health...how winded I got hiking in the mountains, how hard it was to hike through a nearby trial...just how fat I was!! I was not being who I really wanted to be. After this weekend, I sat down and got SERIOUS about making the changes necessary to become healthy and fit!

Who is that woman?? I don't even recognize her anymore!

Here I am today! I can't believe I wasted 12 years of my life looking like the woman in the top two pictures! It takes just one word to describe the way I feel now: LIGHT! :) Every aspect of my life seems lighter now! Moving around is lighter and easier, getting things done is lighter and easier, my mood is even lighter!

My life is not perfect. I still struggle. I still struggle with eating and making healthy choices. But I know that the changes I have made are permanent because I won't ever go back to feeling like I did 70 pounds ago! I can trust myself to maintain my weight-loss because the easy way (eating whatever I wanted and not exercising) did NOT make me feel good about myself and did NOT give me the life I wanted! I am excited about continuing to improve my health! I am excited about setting and reaching new goals! I know now that I can achieve anything and everything I want to work hard enough to get! You can too!! :)

WOOHOO!!!!

I know I haven't been posting regularly for the past few months, but I have still been working hard and have now reached my weight-loss goal! I have officially lost 70 pounds!! WOOHOO!! I will post more about my last few months and about how I feel having arrived at my goal weight of 132 later. Until then, you can enjoy these pictures that I took this morning after I weighed myself and before I went to work out. :) Yes, I have bed head and no make-up on....expect more "decorative" pictures later!