Friday, August 19, 2011

I might as well be a heroine addict.

I have changed my life and the way I eat...but my addiction to food will probably never go away. This depresses me. My desire and compulsion to put something in my mouth, chew, swallow and repeat is just as strong now as it was 70 pounds ago....if not stronger. I actually feel like I might be MORE obsessed with food now than I was before, if that's possible. And it sucks, just so ya know. It sucks big time.

I remember countless nights while I was losing weight when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wanted to eat and knew I couldn't and still reach my goal. I even cried sometimes the desire was so strong. Tonight, knowing I need to shed 2-3 pounds to be back at my goal weight, I just feel like giving up.

2-3 pounds is really nothing compared to what I lost, but it still needs to be dealt with just the same. Many people creep up a few pounds here and then a few pounds there until they have 10-20 pounds that seems to have come out of nowhere. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me. So, even though 2-3 pounds is not a big deal, it still needs to go.

Some weeks I feel so strong and in control and don't struggle with eating. I make pretty darn awesome food choices and feel good. Other weeks, well...they suck. Usually during the bad weeks, I gain a few pounds. Then during the good weeks, I lose it. But, honestly...there is about a pound, pound and a half that I nave never lost....I shouldn't let 1 1/2 pounds bring me so down...but I am.

Normally 2-3 pounds (or a pound and a half) would not be depressing ....but it just proves to me something I have always worried about....maintaining my weight will probably always be a hard, heavy battle I will be fighting my whole life. At least if I were addicted to heroine, I could avoid heroine. I can't avoid food.


  1. I have a friend at work that has the opposite problem with food. No matter what he eats he is losing weight which for him is not a good thing. He is about 25 years old, 5,7 and about 130lbs and dropping all the time. He recently had his thyroid removed because of cancer and it has caused his body to lose weight (some people have the opposite effect from the surgery). The doctors are constantly adjusting his synthetic medication to try and curb this trend, and help him fight depression. I have the opposite problem but am thankful I don't have his condition. I am losing some weight though. Since I started in the early spring I have lost 23 pounds. I would like to lose another 20-25lbs to be in the cycling shape I desire. But it is a slow process that I have been waging with my body. It seems my body really likes some ranges of numbers that once I get over the pounds are easier to get off until the next range. Recently I am stuck at 198 pounds ( I am 6ft exactly) and am thinking about including some core workouts to help burn off some extra weight that just doesn't seem to want to go away. In my workout as well as cutting my intake with more water which has worked very well and which is an idea that I got from your blog about the body being thirsty most of the time instead of hungry for food. I also ride on an empty stomach which burns the sugars in the legs and body which is stored, then I drink a ton of water and wait until my metabolism slows down a bit before I eat. Then I eat sensibly which is hard to do because I could eat until I was completely stuffed and still feel hungry, a condition I didn't know was possible but it is. It sucks to ride hungry and I have to go so very slow at times but it works really well for me, and it also makes me tougher and less reliant on food as if I was going to die if I don't have it right away. Which I also think is a good thing. Water and the proper sodium and potassium balance I have learned (the hard way) is not something I can do without for very long.

  2. Heidi,

    You are so awesome! I love your honesty--and boy, can I relate! A few weeks ago I reached the -81 pound mark. I hadn't reached my goal yet, but was thrilled with the progress. Then stress hit! Just a number of things hit me all at once and I found myself putting stuff in my mouth. This lasted for days and days. I tried everything that I could think of to stop eating and try other ways to relax, but as you said, eating can be an obsession or addiction. It's so hard to stop! I'm finally back on track now, but I put 6 pounds back on. Ugh! Like you said, sometimes it's not the number, but the fear of returning to the old way of life and putting all of the weight back on. I have such a new perspective on faith, and trust in God and leaning on His strength and power since I am so weak. Overcoming an addiction is just something that I can't do on my own. It's tough stuff as I've learned and obviously you've learned too. Good luck to both of us!


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