Friday, August 19, 2011

I might as well be a heroine addict.

I have changed my life and the way I eat...but my addiction to food will probably never go away. This depresses me. My desire and compulsion to put something in my mouth, chew, swallow and repeat is just as strong now as it was 70 pounds ago....if not stronger. I actually feel like I might be MORE obsessed with food now than I was before, if that's possible. And it sucks, just so ya know. It sucks big time.

I remember countless nights while I was losing weight when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wanted to eat and knew I couldn't and still reach my goal. I even cried sometimes the desire was so strong. Tonight, knowing I need to shed 2-3 pounds to be back at my goal weight, I just feel like giving up.

2-3 pounds is really nothing compared to what I lost, but it still needs to be dealt with just the same. Many people creep up a few pounds here and then a few pounds there until they have 10-20 pounds that seems to have come out of nowhere. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me. So, even though 2-3 pounds is not a big deal, it still needs to go.

Some weeks I feel so strong and in control and don't struggle with eating. I make pretty darn awesome food choices and feel good. Other weeks, well...they suck. Usually during the bad weeks, I gain a few pounds. Then during the good weeks, I lose it. But, honestly...there is about a pound, pound and a half that I nave never lost....I shouldn't let 1 1/2 pounds bring me so down...but I am.

Normally 2-3 pounds (or a pound and a half) would not be depressing ....but it just proves to me something I have always worried about....maintaining my weight will probably always be a hard, heavy battle I will be fighting my whole life. At least if I were addicted to heroine, I could avoid heroine. I can't avoid food.